Valse
Hush, I planted an acacia nut
in the milk white flesh
of your palm so that we might forget
all the things we’ve loved and lost
never to come again.
No, I planted two seeds -
one for you and one for me -
hold your palms out
so we might see
their movement towards light
breaking twice the space between
earth and sky - how effortlessly
sovereign and unkempt.
I cannot mock and mimic
comprehension wholly.
I cannot draw so near.
But go on.
As if there was a choice.
A small talisman: A long grey bird
in the elder part of January sculls the estuary and
each pussy willow turns serpentine inside the fold
of image upon image, water then the world.
And the question:
At the caesura, what happens there?
To foliate: the having of leaves.
6 responses so far ↓
1 A.I.Titov // Apr 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Again, such beautiful and silent poetry! You have such fun with words! They seem very sharp and delicate to me.
I see how this is a dance, but how is it a valse? A valse is defined by its movement in three beats. It seems like your poem is defined by two beats with two people, and then the pairs– milk, white; love,lost; two seeds; earth, sky; sovereign, unkempt; mock, mimic; water, world; verb:adjective.
What about a gavotte, a rigaudon, maybe even a a passacaglia?
Just a thought.
2 Liz // Apr 23, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Who are you by the way? I know all of the other participants on this site. And thank you thank you for the tip off about Valse I was inspired after seenign a russian painist preform a number of valses and i dumb wittingly though it simply meant a dance….
3 Liz // Apr 28, 2008 at 6:37 am
hey guys i really need help[ on this one as i have been working on it for a while and cant tell the forrest from the trees! ooooooh argggggg. whats working what isnt?
4 A.I.Titov // Apr 28, 2008 at 10:53 am
Liz,
It seems like your other poems often have at least one stanza that includes concrete actions (like baking blackberry pies) which serve to ground the more cerebral metaphors.
Also, I wonder if (and Natalie may disagree with me on this) the lack of a concrete action is problematic because the metaphors are so familiar. I do not want to cross any lines, but perhaps the images of two people planting seeds (often to make babies) who “loved and lost” sounds more hackneyed that what you are actually trying to get at. I think your poem might be deeper than that. If so, the specific metaphors you choose have connotations that pull the reader off course.
I may be way off base. Really, I cannot imagine why else you might be unhappy.
A.I.Titov
5 Natalie // Apr 28, 2008 at 11:26 pm
hey liz
i read the poem several times this morning and then just now, when i got off of work. i don’t think i have anything really substantive to say, because i’ve been pretty brain dead lately, but i’ll give you my general impressions.
i like the first two stanzas the best because i feel like i know what’s going on. the speaker is trying to help her lover come to terms w/ the failures and dissapointments that are fundamental to human life. you do a good job of showing how people form romantic relationships to help each other dream again, to overcome loss by focusing on beauty. the tone of these stanzas is so comforting. if you were to tuck me into bed saying this i would be able to fall asleep right away, and that’s saying a lot because i never get any fucking sleep anymore.
but after that, i kind of get lost.
i like how your poems are often mysterious… i often don’t know exactly what you’re referring to but your language triggers feelings in me that allow me glimpses into your world… but i don’t think that the ambiguity of this poem works in the same way. i’m left feeling like an inadequate, like i’m missing something big.
for example, i don’t know why you can’t mimic comprehension wholly. what does that mean? and how does it connect to the person you’re talking to?
i feel like the main idea is already there, it’s just hiding behind some of the words. don’t give up on it.
i hope that helps a little…
natalie
6 fawn // May 7, 2008 at 7:10 am
I think the gem of the poem is the verse paragraph “A small talisman…” and the following question. Mostly because even though the language is wholeheartedly complex and unusual, I have both a sense of vision/image and of movement, which the title suggests.
I think if you were to take this part of the poem and apply its language outward to the beginning, you’d get a really lovely sort of flow, not only diction-wise, but visually. More concrete imagery, I guess I’m saying, near the beginning, because it does tend to start off like a fair number of other love/lament poems do.
-fawn
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