All These Rooms

3 responses so far ↓

• 1 mackenzie // Aug 20, 2008 at 7:39 am

  There’s something fresh about this quick hopeful moment. Imagine grass where there is no grass, the wind tuning. I think it can happen a bit faster. I’d cut the first line, the third line (i like it as a title) and consider changing the last from field to grass. The poem to me hinges on the affirmation that there is somehow grass because you can imagine the grass so clearly. So the repetition is chantlike, whimsical, and necessary. Maybe also cut “in a land.” four lines, all with grass, so fun!

• 2 Natalie // Aug 23, 2008 at 3:28 pm

  I agree with mackenzie. for the most part. i really like the idea of grass being in a land where there isn’t any. it’s a good metaphor for human life– love existing in places where there is no love. i like the idea of cutting the first and the third lines. the ideas in the first line are expressed freshly and clearly with the grass metaphor. but when i read the last three lines out loud, be it ” and touching the grass is the wind tuning this field,” or “touching this grass is the wind tuning this grass” it just sounds weird. i like the repetition of the word grass, but having it in the last line would just be too much.

  i like this little dittie. it sounds like something you could read to a child before bed, or to adults who have lost their ability to hope, or to appreciate the contradictions in life.

• 3 worsty // Sep 18, 2008 at 7:42 am

  not sure i like there being no spaces in the first line. I like the idea of it being breathless or all in one breath, though. maybe it would be more rhythmic but still somewhat breathless if it was
  “no lover no brother no keeper.” Or (and this is just my little fantasy): “no, lover; no, brother; no, keeper”…

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