Everyday a fair amount
of risings and of knocking down
still unbending as she wore her crown - the one she did not know before -
she wore and wore and pimped and whored
and went to battle both with and not-so-for that little bourbon body
carried her through the streets and up
and up to touch the tops
of mountains and such. She did it all
and all was done before.
2 responses so far ↓
1 mackenzie // Aug 20, 2008 at 7:27 am
I like the musicallity (or however you spell it) in this. The rhythm, the internal rhymes make it a fun poem to read out loud. Very ee cummingsish.
I feel like the poem starts at the line wore and wore… and ends at mountains and such. and that it needs no period after such. The crown, the risings and knockings down kind of seem like preamble, like your winding up, finding your rhyme and cadence. I kind of like you to scrap the first and go on, I think this poem will flush out as a song about the bourbon body.
2 worsty // Sep 18, 2008 at 7:38 am
i like the first two lines, though. they are simple and interesting. I wouldn’t want them gone.
I agree, the rhyme makes the wordier and less immediate lines more palatable, their gravity more light.
I might alter the “she did not know before” interjection… it somehow seems not quite right.
but overall … very nice
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