Here’s my contribution to Worsty’s monthly challenge, which I neglected to revise like I thought I was going to.
It starts how it ends,
or maybe there’s no beginning, no stopping at all.
Either way, when I walked on all fours
and my dreams at night were lifting my hands, were
faces making faces,
I don’t think I was what I am.
But when have I ever been
what I am? Maybe yesterday,
maybe the day before, lifting myself
up off the cement, my legs asleep,
stumbling while I waited for the feeling
to come back. It came back,
tripping on the level ground as the rest of me still felt like I was sitting
on the cement, like my legs dreampt
of the day before, carrying my body into the air
forgetting what I am. Maybe yesterday
I was what I always am.
I don’t think I am what I was,
just faces making faces
and my dreams scratching up the night with my empty hands, air
taking both ways, walking on four legs,
finding some beginning without even knowing, not stopping, too small
to notice it starts how it ends.
7 responses so far ↓
1 worsty // Sep 18, 2008 at 7:51 am
damn it, we can’t edit comments, huh? there should be no “like” in the second sentence up there.
2 worsty // Sep 18, 2009 at 7:50 am
i dont think you need the “but when have i ever been what i am?”. The previous line implies it, and something about rhetorical questions like in poetry seems a little heavy handed. maybe it’s just me, though. Same with “while I waited for the feeling to come back,” which doubles both the implied of the previous two lines (one’s feeling alway does come back to one’s asleep limbs) and the “it came back” right after.
overall i really like the two main ideas being walking/crawling and sleeping/waking. I like the image of dreams that lift one’s hands the very best. also “faces making faces” is nice, especially perfect the first time.
3 nathan // Dec 22, 2009 at 11:03 am
i think faces making faces is a great and simple way to sum up a complicated image or series of images.
4 nathan // Dec 22, 2009 at 11:05 am
the i am what i am stuff gets a little hard to follow and takes away from the flow of the poem
5 mackenzie // Dec 26, 2009 at 9:15 pm
yeah, maybe I’ll rewrite this thing. thanks for the comments guys.
6 mackenzie // Dec 26, 2009 at 9:21 pm
When I walked on all fours
and my dreams at night were lifting my hands, were
faces making faces,
I don’t think I was what I am. Yesterday,
maybe the day before, lifting myself
up off the dust on the floor, my legs asleep, tripping on the level ground as the rest of me still felt like I was sitting, like my legs dreamed
of carrying my body into the air
forgetting what I am. Maybe yesterday
I was what I always am.
I am dreams scratching up the night with my empty hands, air
taking both ways, walking on four legs,
finding some beginning without even knowing, not stopping, too small
to notice.
7 mackenzie // Dec 26, 2009 at 9:22 pm
ha the line breaks are fucked, sorry.
You must log in to post a comment.